I am an Unintentional Heart Breaker.

I break hearts. But not on purpose.

I am a very social person, some may call it flirty, I disagree. I'm social. I'm not afraid to strike up a conversation, share my opinions, ask someone how their day is going. It does not matter who, it could be my best friend, someone in my class, a customer at work, whoever. When I'm approached by someone, of course I'm going to hold a conversation, being short would be rude (in my opinion). I don't see a problem in creating friendships with people I meet. 

The problem is that some people, men to be specific, take my friendliness as genuine romantic interest. Since when is having friendly conversation romance? I've had guys express their interest in me, compliment me, the whole nine yards, but I could not see past the 'friendship'. Personally, I cannot make myself like someone. I can't pretend to be interested in someone just because they are interested in me. I believe in an initial spark, which I've felt before so I know it exists, when starting a relationship. 

I feel bad, ultimately telling guys I'm not interested in anything beyond a friendship. I've been specifically told "Well you just broke my heart", but I don't INTEND to. I'm not trying to flaunt that I have guys falling all over me, because I don't, but then ones I have had develop feelings for me and I haven't felt the same, has left things feeling a little awkward upon seeing or talking to them again. I'm not trying to sound stuck up by any means, I really enjoy friendships and of course I want a relationship but I don't want to force one. The term "friendzone" is so annoying to me because, YES I'm going to remain ONLY friends with you if I don't see you as anything more than a friend. I'm not going to pretend I have feelings and like a friend back. The term "friendzone" always has a negative connotation of the one who doesn't have feelings. BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE FEELINGS UP. I'm not going to pretend to like someone, start dating, and be miserable. No thank you. That's not fair to either person. 

So, I break hearts on accident. Not to the point where these guys spiral into depression but just enough for them to feel disappointed, I don't know if it's disappointment in me or what. But it kind of sucks. I don't lead anyone on, I'm always honest from the beginning, but feelings develop and I have to let them down as easy as I can. If you don't know already, I just went through a tough breakup a couple months ago. It was pretty messy and right now I just want to focus on myself, my job, my schoolwork, and me. It's okay to be a little selfish. I've learned a lot and I need a break from relationships, I am not a serial dater. I heal on my own and I don't try to date other people to heal myself. (hint hint, next post)

I'm not ready for a relationship, and if you aren't either, you shouldn't feel like you have to be in one just because someone likes you or because you're trying to get over someone else. So with all of that being said, I'm not anti-relationships by any means. But I thoroughly believe time to one's self after a breakup or life changing event is necessary. I don't feel the need to be in a relationship right now and that is 100% okay with me. I'll be in another relationship again eventually, and I know it will be great, but for now, I'm alone and I'm totally okay with that. I love myself through and through, I'm healing day by day, and soon enough I will love another the way I love myself.